Idealization
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Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37: 3–4 NKJV
The main problem with idealization of life is the fact that we can never attain true perfection. There was a time I became almost superstitious, trying to reason through every little thing and figure out how to make it “just so.” Life doesn’t become perfect just because we try to make it that way . . .
At a small group we discussed the fact that true love does not expect others to do everything we want them to do. We do not expect them to fill our own cracks and brokenness. It occurred to me that I have to radically accept things as they are, lest it drive me crazy.
You’ve heard that the hole in our soul can be filled only by God? It occurs to me that sometimes a hole in our hearts can be so big that we want something tangible in our lives to fill it. And sometimes that is not possible. Radical acceptance in my personal life means knowing I lacked something, even something I may have needed. To accept that is painful. But letting God fill that crack is letting Him have the pain of the past. I can accept it as an empty space.
Radical acceptance means accepting another person for exactly who they are, not what I want them to be for me. Accepting a person for what they are and not the filler of a hole that only God can fill. Radically accepting others even when they do or say or believe something that I don’t want them to, because I love them. And radically accepting that others don’t have to love me back!
When we idealize life, there is always an expectation to be met that somehow never is.
At times I can remember wondering how others had missed the mud holes in the roads of their lives. Mud holes like the ones I had hit. I figured that I would never measure up to one of these people on the smooth road. My own failures tempted me to put them on a pedestal.
Sometimes I think we may say, If only one of these smooth road people could love me . . . then I would know that I’m okay . . .
When we idealize someone else, we take away their capacity to be human. We place unreal expectations on them. We should stop expecting someone to be “all” for us. And stop expecting someone to love us enough to make up for the love we lack for ourselves. After all, others have all been dragged through some kind of mud!
Real connections happen with real people, not the ideal statues in our heads! Situations can bring us joy, but God sustains us.