The Abbey
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For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to prosper you and not to harm you. Jeremiah 29:11
One autumn, I stayed in a monastery. It was the only time I ever visited one, but I had always been intrigued by monastic life. What I love about a monastery is that the sacred is honored through prayer, singing, and contemplation. Although I had never been to an Abbey before, I imagined I already knew how it would be and that I would fit right in. However, what I learned was totally different than what I expected to learn.
A recurring theme in my life when I went to the Abbey was belonging.
Nature, to me, represents the sacred so well ~ the way God sings through the leaves that fall, slowly to the path. The sound of bees humming when they are happy in their hives. The chorus of birds early in the morning. The fog. The rain. This is always where I feel God the most.
While there, I worked in the orchard with one of the sisters. She had given me a pair of boots in case I got stung by a bee in my cute shoes… and after working for a while with the pick axe, she had to pry them off my feet. We got them off and she said, “you should enjoy being barefoot in the orchard and walk the seeds into the earth in your bare feet…” We seemed to understand each other, as she told me about land stewardship and the sacredness of nature.
A ministry leader once said that when she gave her life to God, she wanted to be worthy to do big things for God, and told Him she would become a nun. I never heard anyone say that before, and I felt the exact same way at one time. My reason was also because I never felt that I was enough. That I must prove myself to the Lord. Maybe others feel this way, too.
Being with people who may have felt the same way was nice but somehow, very bittersweet. That is because, in a way, I didn’t feel the belonging that I thought I would feel.
I heard a local pastor say that his lowest point was not when he was drinking constantly, driving drunk, flying off into rages, or even when he landed himself in jail. It was when he looked into the mirror and said: “I hate you…”
Perhaps we all struggle with being enough, but this is likely my hardest struggle.
What I’ve learned is that I may never feel like I belong anywhere, but I can trust God to belong. I can trust God to bring people into my life and trust God for the right words when they don’t seem to want to come.
We belong with God, whether we are in an Abbey or without a home, on the streets. He wants us to be with Him.
God’s will, so I’ve heard, is about what we have in the palm of our hand. What we have for the hurting stranger in line at the grocery store, no matter how small.
So what if we feel we have nothing to give but compassion and the only real connection we feel is with nature? Maybe we find we are not so different from anyone else and that we truly do belong.
I belong. I am enough. I am worthy.
Note to self: Refrain from crying while picking tomatoes in a monastery garden. There are generally no tissues handy…